The Tell Tale Signs Of A Stripper

Imagine yourself strolling around your favourite shopping centre and you can hear a faint sound of ‘click clack click clack’ only to get louder but the click clacks from the heels actually sound like ‘move move move move’, you turn your pretty little head over your shoulder to see what this commotion is and it’s a beautiful woman/women fiercely strutting past, big shades (that’s a disguise), a designer hand bag, with lots of shopping bags hanging off every limb, the most tightest of figure hugging attire possible to show off their slender pole athletic shape, if your lucky you may have a glimpse of a cheeky thong line or the frills from their Victoria Secrets bra popping out of the top of their low cut singlet, and as they strut past they leave a trail behind them of the sweet smell of hello kitty bubblegum spray!

Or imagine yourself in a nightclub in the city somewhere, your on the dance floor shaking what ya mama gave ya, the deejay is playing some sick RnB classics, then Christina Millian dip it low starts screeching out from the speakers, your with your girls, screaming “oh my gaaaaawd, this ma jam y’all, this ma jam!”, your dipping it low, bringing it up slow, rolling it all around…
But you see a crowd circling a bunch of girls on the other side, it’s the strippers, (if they are lucky to have a night off that is), now they won’t be stripping, (depends how much alcohol they’ve drowned themselves in), but they will dance sexily with each other, not what your all thinking, two girls grinding on eachother, going in for the kiss, no no no! They will be swirling, spanking, twerking, bouncing, all with each other but getting other people involved. They create little shows, the male attention is as what a tramp on chips would be, to which the strippers strictly imply they are all lesbians and don’t need a man to make them happy, (thank you pussy cat dolls). They leave you in complete and utter awe, you and your girlfriends will be up all night putting together a re-enactment of the saucy little dance yourselfs.

Or imagine being sat in front of the television on your day off catching up on all your soap operas, or keeping up with the kardashians, eating as much Ben and Jerry’s, and pizza before you explode, in a pair of granny pants, and an over sized top without a bra, no make-up, un brushed hair that sits in the messiest of buns, looking as rough as a badgers arse, refusing to leave your apartment, us strippers much prefer that!

He HUMPED the floor!

I witnessed the most strangest thing ever!
I was in the strip club prancing about like a wild sexy minx (as you do), and I was called to the front desk.
“Chloe, you have a private.”
“Awesome sauce, who is he?”
“It’s the Indian guy sat at the back on the left”.
Now, I’ve learnt through my experiences Indian guys are either really full on and will tip you very well, or there extremely tight and won’t pay an extra cent but expect more from you.
Nobody does shit for free, why would you? But I always forget that the guys who come in (well at least half of them) believe your a hoe, that you want them and your there to fulfil your sexual needs, so you will do absolutely anything they demand free of charge. Of course that is not the way I work. I would rather not have an 80 year old fat smelly man grope me for 15 minutes because I ‘felt like it’. Ewwwwwww!!!! however…
I stood there for a few seconds to gather myself and give myself the money pep talk. “I will rinse this pig, I will get a good tip, and at least try and look like I’m enjoying the tweaking of my nipples”.
I walk through and grab the guy and take him to the private room. Straight away before I even say a work. “Sex? I want sex?”
Now the amount of times I tell these imbeciles that you’ve unfortunately walked into a strip club and not a brothel is ridiculous, if I had a dollar for every time I’m sure I’d walk away from that shift with an extra $1000 in my purse!
So I explain the guy who must have been about mid 30’s, geeky looking thing, whose suit was about 2 sizes waaaay too big for him. “We give lap dances here, or I can go along with fetishes for extra money”,
No no, he didn’t want to pay any more extra than he already did. (But he expected sex? What the fuck is wrong with these men?)
So I proceeded with the strip tease, maybe 3 minutes into the dance he stops me.
“I pay extra for touching, I want to touch”.
So I tell him there’s no kissing, and strictly no touching in-between my legs. He was happy with that and so I began giving him a lap dance, he was so rough, to look at him you wouldn’t think he could hold more than 4 shopping bags, but jeeeeesus he was pretty strong. The dance was over so I made sure he was okay, and began to re-dress myself (not like there was much to put back on), I must have had my back turned for about 2 minutes, I could obviously hear him moving about but I just thought he was sorting himself out and getting his belongings together. How wrong was I?!
I turn around to see him stark naked, humping the floor.
I kid you not, he was lying on his front, vigorously rubbing himself up and down along the carpet.
I actually couldn’t say anything, I stood there in shock for a good few minutes trying to understand what the fuck was going on. I had the controller buzzing through making sure I was okay and why I wasn’t back yet, in hysterics I tell them “you will not fucking believe what I’m seeing right now”.
I tell the guy to get up and leave, but he’s still at it, moaning and humping the floor. I give him a little kick in the side and tell him to “fucking get out, you pervert”.
A bit of awkward silence but he soon left. I ran back through the club and to the front desk and told them everything!
I have never felt so disturbed but found something so hysterical in all my life. I could only imagine what is on that floor which he now has all over himself, but still what the actual fuck is that about?
Maybe it’s a carpet or friction burn kind of kink he had, but still! Couldn’t get sex with a woman so he has sex with the floor!
Currently Laughing My Fucking Ass Off!!

How to ‘ Look’ Like A Stripper

Todays advice is going to help you with how to look like a stripper, whether you are using these tips for a fancy dress idea or to wear whilst doing your weekly food shop, follow these tips and you will look deeeeeelicious

Hair.
Okay ladies if it’s not platinum blonde, white or silver I suggest you pay your pharmacy a little visit and buy all the bleach and peroxide they have. Apply as much bleach to your head as you possibly can, if your scalp begins to peel and blister, do not worry that is totally normal! ‘Why platinum blonde?’, because some people (myself in particular) cannot have blonde hair, also this means when you dye your hair pink it will look fucking awesome, but if you have pink hair and you don’t have a name like Candy, Sugar, Lolly, you need to re-evaluate your stripper life. Not one girl has pink hair and has a name like Jade or Amber.
If like me you would look ridiculous with blonde or pink hair (due to being so dark) you only have one option and that’s black hair, no if’s or but’s about it!
You may find that with the excessive bleaching of the hair it will break and snap off, have no fear ladies, it’s normal and it willhappen, this may mean having your hair cut really short, but buy yourself some extensions, it’s a must in stripper world, you want extensions so long that it pisses Rapunzel right off! You can only wear your hair curly or straight, no inbetween beach curls or wavy hair, you want poker straight hair with heaps of back combing so it looks like a bird nest at the top of your head, or so curly it looks like a poodle mounted your head, one or the other ladies!
Finally, apply some glitter spray, hair spray, and perfume, especially the Hello Kitty bubblegum body spray, every stripper has this spray!!! If sins had scents this is most definitely the smell!
Also for all the ladies who have to dye their hair black, you will no doubt have dyed half your face whilst your at it. Which is fine and again totally normal and this brings me to my next topic..

Tan.
‘I want to be your lightest shade of pale please’, said no one ever! If your not orange then you call in sick with diarreah (FYI the diarreah excuse works for absolutely everything and anything you do not want to attend), you have so many shades of orange available so go wild and mix terracotta with deep honey!
Yes it will go patchy, and yes it will look like you have some weird skin disorder, but do not worry that pretty little head of yours, the solution is simple, apply more on top but a darker shade. If your looking a bit Oompa Loompa-ish it’s okay, just do not go out in daylight, in the club it’s fine because the dim lighting takes away the nasty fluorescent orange glow, and if anyone asks ‘I’ve just come back from St Tropez’.

Nails.
This is easy and it’s simple, you want too much acrylic applied on those finger tips of yours. If you do not struggle to wipe your vaj after the toilet then you need longer nails. Do not go for the stick on nails, they are ugly and do you want to suffer the embarrassment when they fall off mid pole trick onto some poor guys lap?!
You can jazz your nails up, bright pink with zebra print, heaps of glitter and diamonds and if your feeling extra saucy, get a piercing on the tip of the nail too, a little love heart would look cute.
If your unsure to wether the length is appropriate there are many tests to tell, my favourite being the toast test. Make some toast (my god do not eat the toast, we do not eat carbs), if you can remove the slices of toast using your nails without burning your fingers, they are 100% long enough. Toe nails must be kept short, and painted the same colour as your finger nails. If you rock up with unkept toe nails I will punch you in the throat! Who likes grave digger toe nails with toe jam? *VOM*

Make-Up.
This is standard, apply layers upon layers of foundation, 2 shades darker than your face (which should be full of fake tan), you want it that thick that if someone pressed your face with their finger, it would leave a dent and anything your face touches it leaves a beautiful orange stain!
When it comes to blusher the pinker the better, MAC dolly mix kind of pink is perfect.
Bronzers with heaps of shimmer is perfect for stripper make up, makes you look like a shiny angel.
With false eyelashes you want to apply three pairs. You want them to be that heavy you can’t open your eyes properly, this is a good thing that your eye lids are super heavy because you can’t help but have that sexy squint look on your face, guys love that.
Eye shadows are tricky, I personally prefer the classic smokey eye, but who am I to restrict you from adding some colour, if you want to rock that horrid blue eyeliner look you fucking go girl! As long as you don’t look like you’ve been punched in the face then I approve of the crazy eyeshadow attempts.
Lips, heaps of lip liner, do not follow your natural lip! You want blow job lips and if like me you don’t have filler so your need to draw on your trout pout then by all means draw away. You want heaps of lipstick and heaps of lipgloss on top, if you whip your hair and it doesn’t get stuck to your lips then you need to apply more.

To finish the whole look apply body glitter, everywhere! You want to wake up in the morning and your fanny looks like it’s gotten into a fight with Tinker-bell and her army of fairy bitches.

If you follow these tips I can guarantee you that you will most defiantly turn heads and get stares. If you don’t follow these tips, I really do not blame you.

Chloe (The Stripper MUA) x

How to prepare for a lap dance.

The following advice is not to be used during a strip club shift, but for home purposes only, between you and your man.

Firstly I must stress about the desired shoes your going to wear, if the heel isn’t bigger than 6 inches, then sit your ass down you do not qualify. Go to the nearest sex shop and get yourself some Perspex heels with glow in the dark $$$. Ohhh so ratchet!
If you have a pair of the correct type of shoes and you can’t walk in them, that’s perfectly fine, sometimes the off balance staggering can be disguised as some weird gyrating movement which of course you copied off of a Beyonce music video right?!
If you can walk in them, then give yourself a pat on the back. You my friend are heading to strip tease street where all ‘dancers’ get their freak on. It’s a fucking ball!
Secondly,
If you have no boobies (by no boobies I mean A/B cup) you must wear the most pushiest of push up bras, take the padding from all of your bras and fill it up, take the padding from your teddy bears, take the padding from your bloody pillow if needs be, but whatever you do, do not wear chicken fillets, that’s a disaster waiting to happen. Imagine giving your guy a sexy little strip tease, and flop there out pops your right chicken fillet and bounces off the floor into his glass, oh and now the dogs trying to eat it, shit the dog swallowed it, now you need to take your dog to emergency A&E because your vets is closed.. Can you see where I’m going with this? Do not wear chicken fillets!!!!
If you have small boobies like myself a C cup, then again girls, you need to pad the shit out of your bras, tighten the straps to the tightest point, wear the clasp of the bra on the tightest one, you want your boobies to try and sit under your chin okay, if you can’t smell the body glitter you used to enhance that ‘cleavage’ then there’s still room to push them up.
If you are a D/E cup, you were blessed by the holy saint of strippers, and you’ve put them to good use, I mean, there big enough so why not. *I’m currently slow clapping for you ladies*. (If you can afford a boob job, get a boob job to this size ladies, this is the perfect stripper size and all men love huge boobies!)
If you are F cup or bigger, then just wow, please remember to book yourself in for a back massage after, and be careful with how your throwing those titties about, you could cause serious damage to yourself or someone else. Last thing you want is when you’re giving your husband of 7 years a lap dance and your gigantic breasts hit him in the head, you accidentally knocks him out from the impact of those breasts thumping against his skull, eventually he gains conscience and has amnesia, he doesn’t know who the hell you are anymore! Oh dear!!
Thirdly,
What you wear, now you can’t get away with wearing butt padding, so if your arse is as flat as an ironing board then soz love, but squatting an hour before will not save you, only thing that will save you from the last minute nightmare of coming to terms that you have no ass is butt injections, I’m sure you can ask google for a home made recipe! No harm done.
You must wear something that screams out ‘I’m a horny slut that wants someone to fuck my brains out’ that is the look that you are going for. We are not going classy, oh no, no such thing in this day and age, the littler clothing on the body the better. You may want to start with a costume, do not go for the nurse, or the maid, or the teacher, or the school girl, they have all been and gone, everyone has done it. You want something that will stand out, if needs be dress up as big bird, and shake that tail feather. I have dressed up as a big ball of candy floss (not for stripping purposes), and got laid. The more extravagant the better ladies. Mermaids, nuns, Cleopatra, the world of fancy dress is your oyster. How ever underneath needs to be the teeny weenie underwear which will eventually be torn off your hot body by your hungry man!
Fourthly,
Music, this is essential, you need to put together a playlist, but you need to have the right kind of songs, ones that send the right message. We don’t want songs about love, because tonight you are not looking to make love. So go for typical songs like Britney Spears – Slave 4u, Lil Kim – How many licks, Sisqo – Thong song, Genuwine – Pony, you see where I’m going with this? We don’t want to hear R kelly – Bump and Grind or some love song ballad, no no no, the perfect song would be Khia – My Neck, My Back.
Finally,
Your moves, so your in your sky high heels, wearing a gypsy outfit with a thong so small on it’s giving your cheeks friction burn, you got the music at the ready, your mans sat on the chair and BAM the music is playing. Now you may be feeling nervous/scared/embarrassed or a little self conscious, and whys that you ask? It’s because if you haven’t done it before you know there’s girls that do this and do it really well, *helllllooooo*, and it’s more than likely your man has been to strip club or seen a stripper perform before, and you don’t have a clue what your about to do. The only advice I can give is;
– move slow, do not start busting out some ridiculous shapes, going all wild.
You need to seduce the vagina hungry male before you, not scare him by having what looks like an epileptic fit, okay!
– do not whip your hair unless you have good balance, or you are holding onto something, you will loose your balance, fall over, and die. (of embarrassment)
– guide his hands with yours, you are in control of this situation, let him touch where you want to be touched girl! Get him to spank you, better yet this could be perfect revenge and you can beat the crap out of him for forgetting your birthday!
– get in his personal space, get in there with your boobies, get in there with your ass, get in there with your vaj, if means be get in there with your toes, all up in his grill!!!!
– get physical, girl pull his hair to direct his head back, you move his legs into position that’s comfortable for you, using your feet to do it (with your heels on) is pretty fucking hot. You are dominating him (at the moment), take advantage of it, if it’s pay day ask him for some money to buy that amazing handbag! If my scientific striptease stats are correct then 9 times out of 10, you can get anything you want from him.
– shaking your bootay, religiously watch Beyonce music videos, and have a mantra like ‘I will perfect my booty shaking to Queen Beys standards’ preach that EVERYDAY!
– if all above fails, youtube! Youtube has the answer to every ‘how to..’ possible and I’m pretty sure a Tom, Dick or Harry has made a spectacular ‘How to dance sexy’ or ‘How to give a strip tease’ video waiting for you and your eyes to find it!

If you do not get laid from any of these tips, I’m sorry, it may have been your personal hygiene or he’s just not that into you.
If you did get laid by following my advice then oh my god I should have my own column in a magazine, because I totes was just taking the piss.

Chloe (The Stripper Guru)
x

Casually kicking balls!

Another fetish story here, this one is very disturbing! (Well at least at first it was because of the fetish itself is something id never heard of)
Anywaaaaaaaay
One lovely night in the not so lovely stripclub (just kidding), Chloe was doing her thaaang, slut dropping, twerking, booty shaking, booby jangling all over the place. Then a voice whispered into her ear “Chloe, you have a private dance”, so she seductively struts over to this guy, and leads him to the dreaded private room. *DUN DUN DUUUUN*
Upon walking into the room Chloe notices something’s not quite right about this guy, she sits him down and he’s nervously fidgiting, pulling at the sleeves on his shirt, touching his hair and making no eye contact whatsoever.
“The fuck is this ish”, Chloe says like a dragged up hoodrat, (I’m totally joking, I do not speak like that out loud, just in my head because I find everything’s a lot funnier with a ghetto accent!)
Chloe begins to try and make conversation with the poor boy but he wouldn’t, for the life of anybody make eye contact, and kept turning his head away from her. Eventually the boy manned up and said “I just want you to knee me in my…”, and points to his crotch.
Wow!
Chloe being ‘Real Name’ says “NOWAY! you can really damage yourself and it can stop you from having children”, but he then carries on to show Chloe his phone, minus the post stick note attached to the back of the mobile with contact numbers on it, it was a pretty decent phone, with a background picture of some sort of dragon alien monster, I’m not too sure, kind of thing.
He shows Chloe a web page, kind of like a forum with guys searching for girls to fulfil their fetish, well, the being kicked in the balls fetish. Chloe began to read through and realise that as long as it’s done properly, it’s not too damaging and apparently (now get this), it’s meant to give the guy the best orgasm he’s ever had once he’s had a wank after the kicking. Pain and pleasure kind of thaaaaang.

Chloe decided to run through some limits with the boy, and discussed what would happen, on agreeing with the session planned Chloe began to knee the boy in the crotch for 45 fucking minutes, that’s right, Chloe was too dopey to find out how long the dance was for. Her legs were aching so bad, sooo bad. She tried multiple of techniques to ease the pain but nothing, nothing would ease the muscle pains, so she counted 25 reps on each leg and swap it over, (Chloe left that room with legs like Arnold Schwarzenegger), the boy then let out another shocker, he wanted Chloe to stand on his thighs whilst in her stripper shoes. Now Chloe is petite, 5″3 size 6 kinda woman, but actually is a lot heavier than what she appears to which Chloe did inform the boy but he demanded her to do so, and to which she obliged, cringing the whole way through it, and unable to look at the poor boys face as her heels dig straight into his skin!
VOMIN’ELL
Soon after the 45 minutes had come to an end and the boy wanted to book Chloe for an additional 30 minutes, to which Chloe then refused, she felt too weirded out by the whole situation and could only imagine where it may lead up to, she politely refused and made up an excuse and left the room, she left the room $230 richer. ‘Ching Ching’.
Chloe couldn’t wait to get a few of the girls by themselves to tell them what the hell just happened.
25 minutes later…
Chloe finally has the girls all huddled and let’s them in on the story and the gory details, a girl named ‘Taylah’, began to tell Chloe that his mother rang the club to complain about the bruises that were left on her son. (This boy is 25, I do not know why his mother got involved but she did, and complained about the fetish her son has, weirdo!), Chloe began to worry and felt ashamed of what she had done, guilty if we must. She wanted to go back to the boy and cry and give him the tip back and refund the whole dance. Taylah really hurt Chloe’s feelings and made her feel like a damn right evil bitch, which she isn’t, she’s the total opposite (just stroking my ego better after reliving this story again, traumatised), Chloe really began to think what would happen, ‘would I have to go to court?’, ‘will there be hate groups hunting me down to hurt me?’ ‘Is his mum going to come here and attack me?’, Chloe got really worked up over the whole situation and began to freak out in a wave of panic and needed a time out. A different girl came over to Chloe called ‘Sheena’ and she laughed about the whole bullshit story that Taylah had told Chloe, Sheena began to tell Chloe about the boy and one of her own regular guys who has the same fetish and she educated Chloe on the whole ‘Ball Busting’ fetish. She says it’s more popular than you think, but guys tend to hurt themselves because they can’t find the right girl to help them with it. Sheena totally mended Chloe’s little broken heart and made her snap out of this ‘Oh shit Chloe’s having a break down’ moment. To which, she did, with in 3 minutes and 17 seconds Chloe was back, and back with a bad ass attitude, a ball busting, Taylah free, sassy, look at me attitude!

The boys mum never rang the club to complain that night, that was the utter most bullshit story ever, she did ring previously to complain (because of Taylah) but never since. Poor Chloe she isn’t the brightest of all sparks and is terribly gullible.
The boy does come back but Chloe likes to hide or push the other girls into doing the ‘private dance’ with him, only because she doesn’t think she can handle 45 minutes of leg exercising ever again!

Raise your glasses

As I sit here writing this with my Starbucks coffee held up to toast my imaginary army of strippers, I would just like to say, Happy Birthday Chloe, she’s one years old today (or around this date anyway, but who’s to say it can’t be today huh?), I’ve held the title of a stripper for a year! I haven’t actually stripped 365 days that’s asking too much of me, but around about this time last year, I was corrupted into the land of strippers! Yay, go me! I’m not an alcoholic or drug abuser, yet. just kidding, what an experience it’s been. I love reading back through my previous posts, it always leaves me in hysterics! I like to take the piss out of everything I’ve experienced and if I never I don’t think I would have made it very far as Chloe. What makes it better (and the girls I work with love this) is imagine everything sounding like a well spoken British girl, who pronounces all her words, I say butt-er not butt-uh, I swear like a trooper, and I have a dry sense of humour if it isn’t abusive or offensive it’s not funny! People mis-read me as a person and take me seriously, never take me seriously! I think this is the year of the Chlomiester and she’s gonna fuck shit up!

Cheers to me and my ass! x

Pantie sniffers!!!

Recently whilst working a shift in the strip club one of the girls ‘Rosie’, was telling me about this guy who booked her for a private a previous night and paid her for her panties.
I was hysterical, what in the world?! Why?
Well apparently this is some kind of freaky kinky shit that a lot of guys like. They like worn/used underwear and they like to (prepare the vom bucket), sniff and suck the panties that had been worn that day.
So with a lot of cringing, enough to make my toes curl at the thought of it all, we decided to give it a shot.
We will put an ad up on (not gumtree for once) craigslist, now Craigslist is for all the horny devils to hang out and post ads for people to satisfy their needs, perfect!
I genuinely thought I may hear back from 3 guys within a week, oh how wrong was I!!! My ‘Chloe mailbox’ was constantly going off. I mean I was getting annoyed at my phone for dinging away with all these males pleading to purchase my panties. ‘this is too good to be true‘, unfortunately it was, I found that half of them want pictures of you in your underwear, stupid boys! Others just waste your time, myself and Rosie have both gone to meet someone (in a public place of course, safety is main priority here!), but they never showed up. I had one guy come up to me whilst I was stood waiting in the bloody rain and he says “excuse me, how much are your rates?”, im stood there in jacket, pair of leggings, and some high tops, and I said “get the fuck away from me before I hit you!”, what a wanker!
However today I met up with a guy, he had messaged me so much keeping on and on and on about wanting underwear from me but wanted to meet me as I wouldn’t send a picture. Eventually I gave in and he seemed pretty legit, so I met him today, we went for a coffee, I was shaking with nerves, I’ve never been so scared in all my life, I don’t know what this guy even looks like, could have been a perfect catfish moment. Luckily I dragged Paris along and made her sit a few tables across from us and we couldn’t stop laughing, but then I notice this guy walking towards me, “Chloe?”, and yep, there he is, my future pantie sniffing friend! I expected an old guy, really seedy and I thought I would be really uncomfortable throughout the whole ‘chat’, how wrong was I?! He was so normal and so nice, really genuine, he was telling me about all the other girls he buys from and how regularly, and that he’s good friends with some of them. Of course I asked the questions like ‘When did you start having this fetish?’, ‘Does your girlfriend know?’, yadda yadda yadda.. He was 15 and used to steal his best friends sisters knickers, how grose?! Also his girlfriend knows about it and she joins in, he said she’s bi and she loves sniffing other girls panties too. I know this is weird as hell, it really grossed me out, however $100 for it, I’m not bothered. I deal with people and weird fetishes throughout the week, this is new to me so this is beats barking like a dog on the ‘Weirdest Fetish List’, however it’s harmless, it’s actually pretty innocent, I dance around seductively to get $100, and all he wants is a pair of knickers for $100, too easy.
Minus this fetish, he’s a real genuine guy, and so easy to speak to! I know, I know, be careful still. Of course, I’m not that stupid! Only will I ever meet in a public place and do this whole sinful swapping knickers for $100 business. This guy doesn’t know my name, he only knows me as Chloe, he doesn’t know where I live, just that I’m a stripper. Come to thinking about it Chloe’s a fucking hustler! High five Chloe!

We’re arranging a ‘meet’ for next week sometime, I’m pretty keen, I have nothing to loose other than a pair of pants, but hey, I’m a stripper, I have too many! I’m going to see if I can get together a few more ‘regulars’ and see what happens. Ohhhhh Craigslist

For now,
Chloe x

Posers, Ballers, Playboys, Bullshitters

Coming to strip club with no money is like going to a casino with no money. Nothing is free, there’s no such thing as a freebie or a free go! The more money your flaunting the more attention your going to gain, people want to join in your fun. However you leave broke, and the strippers leave winning.

You have your posers, these are usually a group of young men from 20-30’s, they come in, sometimes it’s their first ever time, now getting money out of these guys can either be easy peasy, or like drawing blood from a stone, but their usually a good laugh and full of banter. Maybe here for an occassion, “Oh it’s my mates birthday, can we get him a lapdance?”, “Yeah sure, it’s $50 for a 15 minute non-contact striptease if he wants the lap dance it’s $100/$150”, and usually nine times out of ten they reply with “Oh can’t we just have it for free, it is his birthday?”, my darlings, do you think I want your friend whose ridiculously drunk, to fondle my boobs and smack my ass for 15 minutes for nothing? No, not in the slightest! So I just strut off. If they agree however, you make sure your on top form, because they always run back to the table, congratulating the poor soul who I’ve just terrorised for the last quarter of an hour, yet he’s so delighted and over the moon, he either wants another private dance or one of his friends do, BINGO!

Then there’s the Playboys, the young group of guys with more money than they know what to do with, always dressed to nines, drinking cristal, Moët, and grey goose, they spend money, and a lot of it, always polite and here for a good time. You eventually learn how to tell the difference between the real playboys and the fake playboys, the real ones wear suits that fit them perfectly, they wear nice but minimal jewellery, they don’t necessarily start flashing their money about (unless you’ve got them white girl wasted then that’s a different matter), they speak properly, there’s a tab behind the bar, and they don’t hassle you, I always hold eye contact with one and act shy, to give the impression I like him, they love it, hold eye contact and a smile, then wallaaaah he’ll be paying your student books off for next months semister!

The ‘Fake Playboys’ I like to call them ‘Ballers’ because they remind me of some sad pathetic loser who sits at home playing Grand Theft Auto all day, and watching American films which just so happen to have scenes in strip clubs and that’s their expectations. Well unfortunately I can tell when your wearing a hand me down suit, and a fake Armani watch, and what does that tell me? It tells me really your broke as fuck, your probably lying about your age, your 18/19 but saying your 23/24, your wearing waaaaay too much cologne (older brothers/dad’s cologne), and you’ve saved up your pocket money for the last two weeks just to pay the entrance and for that one bottle of grey goose for the whole night to share between 10 of you. Then the more drunker you and your ‘homies’ are getting the more frustrated your getting about the lack of attention from us girls. Then there’s the cheeky pictures your asking to take of us, and your ‘checking-in’ on Facebook status’ saying silly things like “surrounded by these bitches”, when really, we only walk past you to go to the bar. Hmmmm, they don’t ask for private dances because they know they can’t afford it, and when you do your stage show they go wild for it! Which is always fun, other than that, that group is a no-go for money!

The solo yolo guys, I call them this because they rock up alone, (solo) and I think good on fucking you mate, *slow clap, nodding with approval* (yolo), they just come here and sit and relax, these guys 99% of the time book, always target the guys who turn up by themselves, there here for a dance always, sometimes more than often they like to be greedy and book more than just one girl throughout the night, these guys will spend spend spend! What they wear can sometimes be tricky, some look like hobos, and some look very suave, just keep your eye in what their drinking and how often, you can quickly work it out how much they’re spending.

Every stripper will understand this, and these groups of ‘money spenders’, guys the moral of the story is don’t go to a strippers if you ain’t spending, you will be the most unfortunate guys in the venue!

On the move AGAIN

Lots of fun booty shaking, money making months later I decided to pack up my things from Queensland and head to Victoria for some cold weather. I’m joking, but I had itchy feet and what’s a girl with more money than sense to do? So I partied my way down to Victoria!
And within a few weeks of being there and spending stupid amounts of money, I decided it was time to hop onto that stage and start shimmying around a pole again!

I ended up (and still do) work in a infamously known club here. This is by far the best one I’ve worked at, and luckily (not to begin with) we all get on extremely well. It’s a lot more legit and I’m very well looked after.

The girls are from all over the place, I think there’s more international girls than Australian. But it’s cool, students, backpackers, horse intructers, nurses, glamour models, burlesque dance teachers, vet in training, pole instructors, Liberians, hairdressers, beauticians, waitresses,they’re all living a double life. Everyone is normal, there’s not one person who does it to feed their drug or alcohol habit, everyone’s got their own style, everyone is their own person, and it’s amazing to go there after work one day and sit and listen to normal conversation about work that day, whilst dressing up as your other persona, then transforming into that persona where your not the beautician or the nurse, your now a horny minx who wants every male that walks down those stairs into the club. So they think! I always wondered what guys would do if they hear what we gossip about after giving them a dance. I think some things would make a man go home and cry into his pillow.

Little did I think I was going to be here for long, because initially that wasn’t the plan, the plan was to move back to Sydney, which I did, and then moved back here within four days, the money was too good to not stick it out for longer for.

So here is where Chloe can come out of the box for now, there have been times when I thought about moving clubs, but there always just so different, and work in different ways, I don’t have to pay a house fee here, or get fined if I’m not doing something to the clubs standards, which is why I think it’s such a popular club, guys can come here and not feel on edge for being ‘too rowdy’, if they want to shout ‘yeah shake that ass you sexy bitch’, without getting dragged out by security they can! Everything I make is mine, and I don’t have to pay club tax on it.

Some clubs I’ve been to always want you to pay to work there $50-$100 if you pay it, you don’t get club taxed on your tips or any other earnings in the club, some take 10/20% of your tips, take half of the booking money for you private dance, and if you do a stage show you only get $30 for one, $40 for two, it’s not great, so tips and private dances is where you earn the money! When guys don’t tip it’s by far the most frustrating thing ever!

Who would go to strip club with no money? Oh the ‘ballers’, the ones who rock up wearing a hand me down suit, and a fake Armani watch, it’s amazing how quick you learn who has money and who doesn’t. But that’s a different topic that I will defiantly cover very soon!

The types of people who come to Strip Clubs

This may seem stupid to some people that I’m labelling or categorising the different people who come to the strip clubs, but in my defence I am the person (and I speak on behalf of every person that works in the Adult Entertainment Indstry) that has to put up with a lot of bull shit, day-in day-out, there’s always one arse hole and it seems he/she was put on earth to deliberately ruin people’s days, because of the ignorance this person so luckily holds as a great personality trait!
I mean, I know everyone has to deal with arse holes no matter what the job is that you do, it’s one of those things in life where no matter how much you complain about these arse holes and no matter how nice you act to them (even though you want to stab them in the eye with a fork) you can’t help but feel so angry afterwards. I salute all the people who let it go, and don’t get me wrong I don’t hold all the anger throughout my shift and become a miserable cow for the rest of the shift, I just rant about it to anyone that will listen until I’m satisfied that the hate I have towards them has converted to love, (which is never, really I won’t be satisfied until I get to line all the people up who disrespected me whilst parading about in the club, and give them all a piece of my mind, whilst horny whipping the shit out them until they cry blood, muahah evil!)
Firstly it’s certain girls, they pay to come and watch, yet they get offended by it, or they make snide remarks.
Are you that fucking stupid? Seriously?! Who on earth would go somewhere (pay for it) and get upset over it that much you feel the need to call me a slut? You just fucking paid me to be a slut!!! If I didn’t act like a slut you’d say ‘oh well that was shit’, and that’s embarrassing, imagine being called a shit stripper. I’m sure it’s borderline impossible to be a shit stripper. Taking your clothes off and gyrating around the place like your Beyonce, there’s nothing shit about that! But why? That’s my question, and if one day a girl stumbles across my blog who has done exactly what I just described or you feel that you would be that person, please, just please I beg of all your nasty stupidness to answer me why!
Brisbane was by far the worst for it! You walk into a place that says in bright neon lights ‘naked ladies’ ‘live dances’ ‘girls girls girls’ and it’s notoriously known for what it provides, so you don’t walk in expecting to see the cast of Neighbours sat having a cuppa do you?! You go in to see what’s being advertised! Soooo many times girls would walk in, and I’d be there dancing around in my kimono (which I devastatingly lost, boo!), so all that’s on show are my arms and legs, but oh my god their faces drop like a sack of spuds! It’s like I walked over and farted the worst fart possible and they caught the plague from it. Oh I’m sorry.. Do you want me to not strip even though you just paid me to do so? Hmmm.
Then it’s the jealous girls that come in with their boyfriends, you see them coming in, and before they notice you, you can see there giggly and curious to what there going to experience. Ohhhh as soon as she see’s you it’s a completely different story. I would have to go over and say hello, and show them how the place works, the boys are usually very polite because there intimidated (You are boys! Your scared of strippers!!), the girlfriends short answer you or stare at you or ignore you, so I like to touch them, I stroke her arms, take her over to a specific area, they hate it, I’ve ruined their night and I love it! Kill them with kindness!!! But girls have a secret language, we know when we’re being fake and bitchy. So it’s like rubbing salt in the wound when I’m super nice and paying her attention because really she wants me to die a painful death for even approaching them, and she’s quickly changed her mind on being in the venue, when it’s too late, you paid me to slut it up, and just for that I’m going to grind the shit out of you whilst your boyfriend watches in awe! *finger snapping, hair flick, strutting away*
That’s how I deal with the bipolar bitches, that’s their names since 2013 I tarnished them with my imaginary stripping tarnishing brush, and smothered them with it!
Only once have I ever experienced a really bad, and I mean I thought she was going to attack me, security dragged her out and I had to be locked in a room, kinda bad situation.
A girl and her boyfriend came in, really early it wasn’t even busy I think they were the first people in the place, and myself, Leigh and a few others where on the floor. The boyfriend asked how it works here and about prices for dances, now as this is happening the girlfriend is stood there observing, all seemed pretty normal, so I answered everything he wanted to know, I promise I wasn’t being slutty about any of it, just having a normal chat with them. As soon as he took her hand to lead her over, deeper into the depths of nakedness, I kid you not, she dropped to the floor screaming “get these fucking sluts away from me”, screaming it over and over and over, it’s sounded like she was being murdered brutally, on the floor kicking the shit out of her poor boyfriend who was trying to pick her up, Tom (security) came running in like ‘what the fuck is going on?’, at this point she’s stood back up, her boyfriends holding her back, she’s chucking sunglasses, her phone, her compact mirror at myself and Leigh, I was actually petrified this girl was a lot bigger than me, and she could eat me alive with out having to put much effort in, Toms shouting at me and Leigh to go and lock ourselves in a private room, to which it happily obliged and couldn’t have ran any faster, you could still hear all the commotion going on for at least another 10 minutes, I’m panicking thinking shreks going to break the door down any second and annihilate me, it was quite disturbing because you could hear her crying and screaming ‘why did you bring me here?’, but eventually we were allowed to free ourselves from the private room and everyone was so shocked at what just happened. FUCKING FRUIT LOOPS!, I do wonder if their still together, and wether she managed to hold it together for the next stripping experience she went on, who knows?!

My favourite arseholes (LIES there’s no such thing), but the ones I tolerate more are the girls who come in and just laugh, they just sit and laugh at you. No it’s not nice to be laughed at, especially by girls because girls notice all your flaws, all guys care about are boobs, ass and fanny, they don’t care about that birth mark, or the little bit of cellulite, or that your not stick thin, but the bitches who are sat their laughing (who also have those flaws), oh they notice it, they could probably spot a split end from a mile off, and because of that flaw it’s hysterical, it’s funnier than Britney’s break down appartently? At first when this happened it did make me so insecure, I used to stand there thinking something was really wrong with me, are my boobs saggy (at the age of 21 very unlikely), is my fanny gross (nope it’s not I have a neat fanny), I used to watch what the other girls would do when they had to put up with it (I don’t follow Sicily and jump off stage to give a bitch a hefty left hook, oh no, I’m not that kind of girl) but they used to sexually assault the girls eyes, like explicit shit that’s done on XXX porn films, they would spread them legs even wider, and say I have to give you a sex education lesson because you obviously have never seen a naked body before you frigit bunch of virgins, I on the other hand didn’t see the point in that, I simply would swan over to them and say, “your daddy doesn’t laugh” and give them a wink, nine times out of ten it works, and they soon leave, sometimes you get abuse but I shrug it off, I suppose I ask for it if I retaliate to them. So you either choose to ignore the laughing, or you come back at them with some cattiness! Meow!

It’s not always girls, guys can be utter tools aswell. I once had a guy and who booked me for a private when I moved to a new club in Victoria, and I went into the room, and explained how it works, if he wanted a lapdance he would have to pay extra if not then it’s a non-contact strip tease, couldn’t be explained any more simpler. Apparently not, “Well I want hand relief”, what the fuck?! So I reply very politely “Oh, well we don’t do anything like that here, it’s a strip club not a brothel and I’m not a prostitute, I’m a dancer, I’m sure if you ask the front desk they can tell you where a brothel is”, because believe it or not the amount of people who come into strip clubs and think they can get sex is ridiculous! But no this guy wasn’t taking no for an answer, and was getting very lairy with the situation, “I just paid $50 for a private dance, your telling me I’m not getting anything out of it?”, what sort of question is that? So I told him “You can leave by all means, I’m not keeping you here, the service your after we don’t provide, and besides, you’ve paid $50 to the club, do you really think I would give you a hand job for $50, that’s so offensive”, it shut him up, and he went with the non contact strip tease, which I was so thankful for because if he wanted to pay for the lap dance I wouldn’t be able to resist strangling him whilst he’s sat there in the chair. So I begin my dance and to be fair I wasn’t putting much effort in, I hated this prick, so I wanted him to feel like he’s wasted his money even more. He begins sighing, complaining about the music, tutting, rolling his eyes, looking on his phone. Enough was enough at this point, I told him “Your being very rude, if you don’t want to be here then leave”, I opened the door but he refused to leave, so I carried on and he started going on about films “so what’s the latest film you’ve seen”, I sat down, I’ve given up with this prick at this point, I tell him I don’t watch films, I read books, I recently read a book about a stripper who killed her clients and got away with it by saying it was self defence as guys would try to man handle her, I explained how it makes you question what you can get away with when in a private room and how guys mis judge you, time was up and he left without saying a word. I wanted to kick the shit out of him,I really did, but I just told him I’ll see him soon, with an innocent smile. I never seen him again, though he did come in recently and book a different girl and she left in tears, he was a prick to her and when the time was up in the private room he chucked $10 at her and told her she wasn’t even worth that much. It’s disgusting how a guy can do that, he has to pay for a woman’s attention and company to treat them like shit? I put it down to a weird fetish where he likes to degrade women to make him feel better because his wife left him when she realised he ain’t shit! Whether that’s true or not but I hope it is, I’m sending a viral high five out to that ex-wife!

The name callers are the fun ones if you feel like having a good argument with someone, I’ve been called so many things “Slut, Hoe, Bitch, Whore..” The list goes on and on. I used to reply with a simple “Oh fuck off you prick”, but it just eggs them on to do it more, so now I’m more of a “Well, you’ve just paid my rent to be a slut, so thank you”, or “oh babes, stop stroking my ego”, it’s weird how when you take it as a compliment or tell them that this means nothing to you other than money, they realise you don’t care and they shut up. They must imagine me rolling around naked on my bed back home covered in $$$ having a ball. I like to imagine that too, but I’m not that rich, just yet!
Name calling is pretty much expected, to people who aren’t open about their sexuality, or their sexual preferences and experiences, they have so much to learn, and when they are thrown into the most innocent place of all sexualness (yes I believe stripclubs are innocent) they refer to strippers as bitches and hoes, I can see where they get it from, god damn you America! But it’s actually a good experience for people who go there for the right reasons, and we do always get really nice people who are just intrigued or curious to what it’s all about. I’ve met some lovely lovely lovely women who tell me that I’ve got balls (not literally that would be weird) to do what I’m doing, and to keep going at it, high fives and hugs all round. Some girls come and question me because their interested in the industry and would like to give it ago but their too scared, and I find that so sad, there is nothing to be scared about once you’ve done it, and it’s a shame that people can’t accept the naked body, like they’re almost ashamed, we were born naked for crying out loud!!! Everyone has a naked body what is so wrong about it?
It is a weird circle to be involved in, it’s ‘wrong’ for a woman to dance around wearing next to nothing for money, so wrong people pay good money to see, then it’s the pricks who spectate to make you feel bad about what you do, yet they come to watch because they want to, not because they were forced they were curious to what it’s all about, and if they’re lovely people they still pay to see a naked body, and we go back to the begin.
To all the people who come in with amazing attitudes, I love you! I actually love you, you make me enjoy my shifts even more than normal! I hope you all have the best sex lives and keep boning your partners until your 99, and live happily and healthy for the rest of your lives!
You other bastards on the other hand, I hope you catch a really bad case of gonorrhoea and your private parts suffer for the rest of your lives, and people laugh at you!

I feel like I’ve just sat and spoken to a shrink for the last hour and a half and I will be able to sleep peacefully!
Chloe xx