The following advice is not to be used during a strip club shift, but for home purposes only, between you and your man.
Firstly I must stress about the desired shoes your going to wear, if the heel isn’t bigger than 6 inches, then sit your ass down you do not qualify. Go to the nearest sex shop and get yourself some Perspex heels with glow in the dark $$$. Ohhh so ratchet!
If you have a pair of the correct type of shoes and you can’t walk in them, that’s perfectly fine, sometimes the off balance staggering can be disguised as some weird gyrating movement which of course you copied off of a Beyonce music video right?!
If you can walk in them, then give yourself a pat on the back. You my friend are heading to strip tease street where all ‘dancers’ get their freak on. It’s a fucking ball!
Secondly,
If you have no boobies (by no boobies I mean A/B cup) you must wear the most pushiest of push up bras, take the padding from all of your bras and fill it up, take the padding from your teddy bears, take the padding from your bloody pillow if needs be, but whatever you do, do not wear chicken fillets, that’s a disaster waiting to happen. Imagine giving your guy a sexy little strip tease, and flop there out pops your right chicken fillet and bounces off the floor into his glass, oh and now the dogs trying to eat it, shit the dog swallowed it, now you need to take your dog to emergency A&E because your vets is closed.. Can you see where I’m going with this? Do not wear chicken fillets!!!!
If you have small boobies like myself a C cup, then again girls, you need to pad the shit out of your bras, tighten the straps to the tightest point, wear the clasp of the bra on the tightest one, you want your boobies to try and sit under your chin okay, if you can’t smell the body glitter you used to enhance that ‘cleavage’ then there’s still room to push them up.
If you are a D/E cup, you were blessed by the holy saint of strippers, and you’ve put them to good use, I mean, there big enough so why not. *I’m currently slow clapping for you ladies*. (If you can afford a boob job, get a boob job to this size ladies, this is the perfect stripper size and all men love huge boobies!)
If you are F cup or bigger, then just wow, please remember to book yourself in for a back massage after, and be careful with how your throwing those titties about, you could cause serious damage to yourself or someone else. Last thing you want is when you’re giving your husband of 7 years a lap dance and your gigantic breasts hit him in the head, you accidentally knocks him out from the impact of those breasts thumping against his skull, eventually he gains conscience and has amnesia, he doesn’t know who the hell you are anymore! Oh dear!!
Thirdly,
What you wear, now you can’t get away with wearing butt padding, so if your arse is as flat as an ironing board then soz love, but squatting an hour before will not save you, only thing that will save you from the last minute nightmare of coming to terms that you have no ass is butt injections, I’m sure you can ask google for a home made recipe! No harm done.
You must wear something that screams out ‘I’m a horny slut that wants someone to fuck my brains out’ that is the look that you are going for. We are not going classy, oh no, no such thing in this day and age, the littler clothing on the body the better. You may want to start with a costume, do not go for the nurse, or the maid, or the teacher, or the school girl, they have all been and gone, everyone has done it. You want something that will stand out, if needs be dress up as big bird, and shake that tail feather. I have dressed up as a big ball of candy floss (not for stripping purposes), and got laid. The more extravagant the better ladies. Mermaids, nuns, Cleopatra, the world of fancy dress is your oyster. How ever underneath needs to be the teeny weenie underwear which will eventually be torn off your hot body by your hungry man!
Fourthly,
Music, this is essential, you need to put together a playlist, but you need to have the right kind of songs, ones that send the right message. We don’t want songs about love, because tonight you are not looking to make love. So go for typical songs like Britney Spears – Slave 4u, Lil Kim – How many licks, Sisqo – Thong song, Genuwine – Pony, you see where I’m going with this? We don’t want to hear R kelly – Bump and Grind or some love song ballad, no no no, the perfect song would be Khia – My Neck, My Back.
Finally,
Your moves, so your in your sky high heels, wearing a gypsy outfit with a thong so small on it’s giving your cheeks friction burn, you got the music at the ready, your mans sat on the chair and BAM the music is playing. Now you may be feeling nervous/scared/embarrassed or a little self conscious, and whys that you ask? It’s because if you haven’t done it before you know there’s girls that do this and do it really well, *helllllooooo*, and it’s more than likely your man has been to strip club or seen a stripper perform before, and you don’t have a clue what your about to do. The only advice I can give is;
– move slow, do not start busting out some ridiculous shapes, going all wild.
You need to seduce the vagina hungry male before you, not scare him by having what looks like an epileptic fit, okay!
– do not whip your hair unless you have good balance, or you are holding onto something, you will loose your balance, fall over, and die. (of embarrassment)
– guide his hands with yours, you are in control of this situation, let him touch where you want to be touched girl! Get him to spank you, better yet this could be perfect revenge and you can beat the crap out of him for forgetting your birthday!
– get in his personal space, get in there with your boobies, get in there with your ass, get in there with your vaj, if means be get in there with your toes, all up in his grill!!!!
– get physical, girl pull his hair to direct his head back, you move his legs into position that’s comfortable for you, using your feet to do it (with your heels on) is pretty fucking hot. You are dominating him (at the moment), take advantage of it, if it’s pay day ask him for some money to buy that amazing handbag! If my scientific striptease stats are correct then 9 times out of 10, you can get anything you want from him.
– shaking your bootay, religiously watch Beyonce music videos, and have a mantra like ‘I will perfect my booty shaking to Queen Beys standards’ preach that EVERYDAY!
– if all above fails, youtube! Youtube has the answer to every ‘how to..’ possible and I’m pretty sure a Tom, Dick or Harry has made a spectacular ‘How to dance sexy’ or ‘How to give a strip tease’ video waiting for you and your eyes to find it!
If you do not get laid from any of these tips, I’m sorry, it may have been your personal hygiene or he’s just not that into you.
If you did get laid by following my advice then oh my god I should have my own column in a magazine, because I totes was just taking the piss.
Chloe (The Stripper Guru)
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